Creating a Rhythm in Your Family

This morning (Sunday Sept 26) Julie and I had the great privilege of sharing with our church some of our story of creating a rhythm in our family. When we discussed earlier this week, what we should teach during this session, we felt it was important that we were honest. We felt that it was important for people to know our story. Not that our story is the greatest story around, but our story is what we know, and what we can be real about. I thought I would share a little of our story here and then continue our discussion throughout the week.

Julie and I were married at Christmas time in 1995 having been engaged for 2 years and dated seriously for 3 years prior to that. We had known each other even before that. We were friends who fell in love. We took our time with our relationship. We took everything slowly. We thought we were on the right track.

Julie was an elementary teacher. I was a physical therapist who was in the final stages of completing his PhD, developing a career as a college professor and running a clinic at the same time. In fact, our clinic was developing a reputation that was fantastic and I was the therapist responsible for the Irish Ladies Field Hockey Association. Both Julie and I were what the world would describe as successful. We were creating a rhythm that we were comfortable with. The problem was that we were not creating the same rhythm, we were creating separate rhythms that occasionally synched up, but were often discordant.

In January of 2000 we had a life changing discussion. A painful discussion. A heartbreaking discussion that effectively changed the direction of our married life. Julie was dissatisfied with where we were going. She felt the discord, I didnt see it. She saw the different rhythms, I didnt. She was done unless there was change. I was not.

We decided that we had to change how we lived in order to save and salvage our marriage. Our plan was that if my squad failed to qualify for the Olympic Games that we would look at moving away from Belfast to start afresh. It was a big step, but it was a vitally important step. What was more important was that the decision to change was mine to make. Julie had already expressed her feelings on where we were at as a couple. If I wanted things to improve then I had to make the change. I had to accept that there was a problem, that I was the problem and that we needed to begin to move in a new direction. That was a hard decision to make, a very hard decision - because to me it felt like I was admitting defeat as a husband. It felt that by agreeing to make this change that I was accepting total responsibility for the issues we were facing. That is not an easy place to be in - but the truth of the matter was that as the husband, as the head of the household it was my position as appointed by God to lead my house. I had to change.

On April 1st 2000 I returned from the Qualifying tournament - we failed to qualify. I resigned my position, and we set about looking for a new place to restart our lives. In November 2000, we landed at Dulles Airport - Julie, Ollie (our dog) and all our worldly possessions. We were beginning a new era of our life together - we were attempting to create a joint rhythm.

Are you and your spouse creating one rhythm together or are you playing separate rhythms that only occasionally synchronize? Is it time for you to change your rhythm and begin afresh?

More to come tomorrow. Please join the discussion, and take courage to bear your heart.