During the past couple of Sunday morning services, as we have been in worship or transitioning from worship to the message I have been broken by God as I have tried to lead the transitions. One week I was broken as we prayed for our family and friends who do not know Jesus. Then just yesterday as we moved from a new song written by AMPED Worship into the message I prayed and thanked God for His mercy. In the midst of that prayer I could see Jesus on the cross and things that I had done just that week, attitudes, actions, words, sins, were being placed on His shoulders and the weight of my sin was adding to the suffication that Jesus experienced on the cross. My sin was, in my vision, literally killing Jesus. His response was, "Father, forgive them ..."
As we sang this new song taken from Habakkuk 3:2 "... in wrath, remember mercy." I could see the pain that the Father felt as He placed sin upon sin on Jesus, then turned His back and separated Himself from His Son. My heart broke, my sin had caused that, but the gift that I received in return was freedom, life, the chance to be a new creation free from sin and death. God had remembered mercy.
I found myself in the midst of prayer, standing at the front of church, barely able to get the words out as the tears flowed down my face. I must confess that inside my head there was a voice that accused me of being 'unprofessional' or weak in front of so many people. A voice that said that the people do not want to see a grown man cry, and there are probably some who might even consider the tears were part of an act meant to manipulate their emotions.
In the midst of all of that internal turmoil I could still see see the image of Jesus on the cross carrying my sin, but the image changed. The crucified Savior was transformed into the risen Lord. Death could not hold Him, my sin did not bury Him. He was alive! He was risen! He was also reaching out His hand to me and raising me up from my death and setting me into His resurrection. His life was bringing me life! I am free, I am alive because of just one thing - Jesus loves me.
Through the tears came a deeper understanding that I am a child of a King, that I do not need to fear anything or anyone. I also realized that I was not alone. That my sin was not the only sin that was carried on that cross that day. The same event in history also transformed, or had the power to transform, everyone in the auditorium that day.
I realized that I need to allow God to break me wherever He wants to break me. I need to allow people to see God at work in my life whenever He wants to demonstrate His love for me. I hope that people can see that even those who are in a position of leadership do not have it all together. Those at the front do not always get it right, we make mistakes. I only pray that the biggest mistake we avoid making is one of portraying to people that we are ok. Let us lead with authenticity and when that requires brokenness, then Lord break us.
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1 comment:
Jason - never apologize for sincere emotions. Too many "hold" it back and miss out on being genuine. I too am very emotional. My first funeral I had to have my father in the congregation for fear I wouldn't be able to get through the service. God uses our emotions, our realness, to His glory.
As for your subject, I too have often thought of my sin being part of what was upon our Lord on the cross. It is a humbling thought. It does being us to our knees - in a brokenness - and we need that to approach the cross - the Lord.
Great writing brother - keep feeding us your thoughts.
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